Miracles

Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Brian is on my mind. I haven't spoken to him in months. As far as I know, he is doing fine. His dad and I tried to arrange a Christmas call, but it never worked. Sometimes it's a real bitch having them so far away. I think they are headed off for a vacation, now. Chinese New Year is coming up.
Sometimes the pain is still acute. Certain things will bring it up: a piece of writing he during the first year of recovery, a photo from childhood, being around his brother, Jesse. Doesn't take much. When I was in the hospital recently, I was overwhelmed by it at times (when I wasn't overwhelmed by painkillers or pain). It was my first hospital stay since those weeks in ICU, and I wanted OUT. Yet, the nurses and doctors reminded me so much of those who cared for Brian: gentle, warm, funny, friendly. And when I was being wheeled to surgery, I remembered Brian going in for his first defibrillator replacement, when he was too long for the gurney and was chanting, "Beep! Beep! Long load!"
I don't like being a long-distance mother. Even having Jesse and his family in Seattle isn't close enough. I miss so much. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch my sons and grandsons. Just be an observer and soak them in. They are so beautiful, so miraculous.