It is time to begin the journey again. I start with portions of a journal entry from the beginning of a new year.
Clarity Suite 868 'A' Street Ashland
A new year. All is well, or at least on the road there. The journey to this moment has been long and incredibly difficult.
Brian went home on December 12th. He is walking, talking, "alive, well and awake". He is 18 and healing. He is exuberantly happy, sweet, affectionate, grateful. He is staying ten days with each set of parents - the first ten with Marshall and Kellie, the second ten with us here in our little one bedroom guest suite. He was here from the 21st till 5 pm yesterday. It was a total joy to have him, and I miss him. We never missed a day with him. all the time he was in the hospitals, and when he went to Marshall's initially, it was VERY difficult to be away. But to help him adjust, and to keep the peace, we had to. I called twice a day, though. Now I will call once a day, to talk to him, to see how he's doing.
I want to write daily now. I need to. I couldn't before - I was so wrapped up in the days, in the activity, the moment, the fatigue and sorrow and joy. Now I have some time to write it out, I can take some energy and do this for myself.
Now, when Brian leaves to return to China for another year, I cry and cry and cry.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Miracles
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Brian is on my mind. I haven't spoken to him in months. As far as I know, he is doing fine. His dad and I tried to arrange a Christmas call, but it never worked. Sometimes it's a real bitch having them so far away. I think they are headed off for a vacation, now. Chinese New Year is coming up.
Sometimes the pain is still acute. Certain things will bring it up: a piece of writing he during the first year of recovery, a photo from childhood, being around his brother, Jesse. Doesn't take much. When I was in the hospital recently, I was overwhelmed by it at times (when I wasn't overwhelmed by painkillers or pain). It was my first hospital stay since those weeks in ICU, and I wanted OUT. Yet, the nurses and doctors reminded me so much of those who cared for Brian: gentle, warm, funny, friendly. And when I was being wheeled to surgery, I remembered Brian going in for his first defibrillator replacement, when he was too long for the gurney and was chanting, "Beep! Beep! Long load!"
I don't like being a long-distance mother. Even having Jesse and his family in Seattle isn't close enough. I miss so much. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch my sons and grandsons. Just be an observer and soak them in. They are so beautiful, so miraculous.
Brian is on my mind. I haven't spoken to him in months. As far as I know, he is doing fine. His dad and I tried to arrange a Christmas call, but it never worked. Sometimes it's a real bitch having them so far away. I think they are headed off for a vacation, now. Chinese New Year is coming up.
Sometimes the pain is still acute. Certain things will bring it up: a piece of writing he during the first year of recovery, a photo from childhood, being around his brother, Jesse. Doesn't take much. When I was in the hospital recently, I was overwhelmed by it at times (when I wasn't overwhelmed by painkillers or pain). It was my first hospital stay since those weeks in ICU, and I wanted OUT. Yet, the nurses and doctors reminded me so much of those who cared for Brian: gentle, warm, funny, friendly. And when I was being wheeled to surgery, I remembered Brian going in for his first defibrillator replacement, when he was too long for the gurney and was chanting, "Beep! Beep! Long load!"
I don't like being a long-distance mother. Even having Jesse and his family in Seattle isn't close enough. I miss so much. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch my sons and grandsons. Just be an observer and soak them in. They are so beautiful, so miraculous.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Accidental Buddhist
When Brian visited this summer (yes, I am doing a fast-forward here), he referred to himself as a "Buddhist by accident". I love this idea. It describes him perfectly, in his "be here now" life. It was not a choice, he did not convert. It just happened one day. Overall, he has become more accepting of what happened, as well. For the first time since the cardiac arrest, he was able to discuss the future and what it means for him, instead of responding to questions with stony silence. A graceful acceptance has come over him.
From the beginning, Brian has maintained that he did not see "a big bright white light" like that described in so much of the near-death experiences of others. Of course, the joke has always been that he wouldn't remember if he had. Be that as it may, Brian was a confirmed atheist and somewhat irreverent about it. He has not been fearful of offending others, but was careful to infuse humor. One of his favorite movies is Monty Python's Life of Brian,which you should watch if you never have. This summer, he told me he is now an agnostic, having decided that there must be something out there - and, perhaps, having embraced his Accidental Buddhism.
From the beginning, Brian has maintained that he did not see "a big bright white light" like that described in so much of the near-death experiences of others. Of course, the joke has always been that he wouldn't remember if he had. Be that as it may, Brian was a confirmed atheist and somewhat irreverent about it. He has not been fearful of offending others, but was careful to infuse humor. One of his favorite movies is Monty Python's Life of Brian,which you should watch if you never have. This summer, he told me he is now an agnostic, having decided that there must be something out there - and, perhaps, having embraced his Accidental Buddhism.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
End of Journals
From this point on, Brian has been recording his own life in his Planner/Log/Brain Book. All the pages from the (so far) two versions of this book have been saved in other notebooks. There are also numerous photographs, and Brian's mother's notes and diary entries.
maybe Brian would like to record more of his recovery in this book, on the following blank pages, someday.
Martha Hammann
Brian's mother
11 August 2002
This is how the hospital journals end. Brian did have his own planners that he used for some time, and they are in a box where the hospital journals are kept, along with other mementos. He stopped using a planner for a long time after he finished school, because he never used one voluntarily and it wasn't a tool he used prior to the brain injury. In the past couple of years he has started to use small planners that he carries around in his pockets, and he has resumed writing in a journal (which he DID do before) and drawing. When he visits here each year, I always buy a supply of planners and pens for him; they are on this year's list for his upcoming visit. I was pleased when he took up recording his life, and it seems to help him. He loses the planners periodically (hence the need for a supply), but they seem to reinforce his memory. When he visits, I can ask him about events from the past months and he can refer to the planner and tell me what he has been doing.
I am excited about his imminent visit. I would like to see if he wants to continue the recovery journal. I gave him the notebooks years ago, but he wan't interested. He has been more interested in moving on with his life, and learning to accept what happened. I hope to talk to him about these things during our visit. We also need to discuss the future, as a family.
I will continue this blog. I will post the photos promised, then I plan to access my own diaries and more photos. It may be a while before I return, depending on time during Brian's stay here.
I may also just write about how he seems to be doing right now, and post new photos.
We'll see. Stay tuned.
maybe Brian would like to record more of his recovery in this book, on the following blank pages, someday.
Martha Hammann
Brian's mother
11 August 2002
This is how the hospital journals end. Brian did have his own planners that he used for some time, and they are in a box where the hospital journals are kept, along with other mementos. He stopped using a planner for a long time after he finished school, because he never used one voluntarily and it wasn't a tool he used prior to the brain injury. In the past couple of years he has started to use small planners that he carries around in his pockets, and he has resumed writing in a journal (which he DID do before) and drawing. When he visits here each year, I always buy a supply of planners and pens for him; they are on this year's list for his upcoming visit. I was pleased when he took up recording his life, and it seems to help him. He loses the planners periodically (hence the need for a supply), but they seem to reinforce his memory. When he visits, I can ask him about events from the past months and he can refer to the planner and tell me what he has been doing.
I am excited about his imminent visit. I would like to see if he wants to continue the recovery journal. I gave him the notebooks years ago, but he wan't interested. He has been more interested in moving on with his life, and learning to accept what happened. I hope to talk to him about these things during our visit. We also need to discuss the future, as a family.
I will continue this blog. I will post the photos promised, then I plan to access my own diaries and more photos. It may be a while before I return, depending on time during Brian's stay here.
I may also just write about how he seems to be doing right now, and post new photos.
We'll see. Stay tuned.
Friday, July 5, 2013
The End of December, 2001
Sunday 30 December 2001
Today was a cold day of many walks. We all walked to Glenwood Park, where Brian went down. Brian had trouble finding the "Bouncy Tree". We discovered that several branches had been cut. Mom took pictures.
Brian and Dave walked to North Mountain Park. They have started "bench jumping" as physical therapy, on some split-log benches there.
Two other walks were to Jeff's Harvest Market, at Pioneer and 'A' Streets.
Monday 31 December 2001
Today was a cold day of many walks. We all walked to Glenwood Park, where Brian went down. Brian had trouble finding the "Bouncy Tree". We discovered that several branches had been cut. Mom took pictures.
Brian and Dave walked to North Mountain Park. They have started "bench jumping" as physical therapy, on some split-log benches there.
Two other walks were to Jeff's Harvest Market, at Pioneer and 'A' Streets.
Monday 31 December 2001
End of Brian's ten days with Mom and Dave. Brian and Dave visited Suzi and Justin. (one of her sons)
Brian went to Marshall's in the evening. They went to dinner at Primavera. Brian got to spend a brief time with Randy in his car, and visiting a small party of friends.
 |
| Brian and the Bouncy Tree Click on the image to enlarge it |
Thursday, July 4, 2013
December Continues
Friday 28 December 2001
Brian and Mom walked on the bike path today, in the cold. Brian had OT and PT in the afternoon. Dave, Brian, and Mom watched "Conflict Resolution - Small World", the video of plays that Suzi (Aufderheide) gave Martha for Mother's Day, 1990. It features Brian and Jesse prominently. Sara Golden called from Pennsylvania again!
I remember that frosty bike path walk. I was worried that Brian might slip and fall, and he finally told me to stop being so jumpy about it. He was amused at my nervousness. I was like that for a long time, concerned that he could fall or get injured in some other way and I would lose him.
Suzi was a long-time friend who took care of Brian and Jesse when I worked full-time. She was beginning to get into video production, and did these wonderful plays and activities with her kids and the others who were there, and filmed them. I only have a VHS version of the film mentioned, or I would try to add it here.
Saturday 29 December 2001
Brian and Dave walked the bike path to shop at Bi Mart, and had burgers at Goodtimes. Mom, Brian, and Dave walked to and through downtown. We saw Cheyenne, Nick, Nate Orf, and others, and visited the Green Man and Plaza Cafe. max visited and brought Brian a Pink Floyd poster. They put it up in Brian's room. Jesse called, and Brian talked to him.
As you can see, we did a lot of walking. It helped Brian in many ways: coordination, balance, vision - and speech and cognition, because walking and talking helped him stutter less and kept his brain active. The physical activity helped stimulate his brain, and work it harder so he could focus more.
The Green Man, as I may have mentioned before, was the coffee shop above Bloomsbury Books downtown, where Brian and I used to meet. The Plaza Cafe was where he had worked.
Obviously, Ashland is a very walk-friendly town, which was perfect for us with Brian.
Brian and Mom walked on the bike path today, in the cold. Brian had OT and PT in the afternoon. Dave, Brian, and Mom watched "Conflict Resolution - Small World", the video of plays that Suzi (Aufderheide) gave Martha for Mother's Day, 1990. It features Brian and Jesse prominently. Sara Golden called from Pennsylvania again!
I remember that frosty bike path walk. I was worried that Brian might slip and fall, and he finally told me to stop being so jumpy about it. He was amused at my nervousness. I was like that for a long time, concerned that he could fall or get injured in some other way and I would lose him.
Suzi was a long-time friend who took care of Brian and Jesse when I worked full-time. She was beginning to get into video production, and did these wonderful plays and activities with her kids and the others who were there, and filmed them. I only have a VHS version of the film mentioned, or I would try to add it here.
Saturday 29 December 2001
Brian and Dave walked the bike path to shop at Bi Mart, and had burgers at Goodtimes. Mom, Brian, and Dave walked to and through downtown. We saw Cheyenne, Nick, Nate Orf, and others, and visited the Green Man and Plaza Cafe. max visited and brought Brian a Pink Floyd poster. They put it up in Brian's room. Jesse called, and Brian talked to him.
As you can see, we did a lot of walking. It helped Brian in many ways: coordination, balance, vision - and speech and cognition, because walking and talking helped him stutter less and kept his brain active. The physical activity helped stimulate his brain, and work it harder so he could focus more.
The Green Man, as I may have mentioned before, was the coffee shop above Bloomsbury Books downtown, where Brian and I used to meet. The Plaza Cafe was where he had worked.
Obviously, Ashland is a very walk-friendly town, which was perfect for us with Brian.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Our Visit Continues
Wednesday 26 December 2001
Brian and Mom walked to the Library today, to check out books for Brian to start reading out loud. Brian had all three therapies this afternoon, which Mom attended with him.
In the evening we had a wild little pizza party with Kate, Vanessa Dudley and Marc. Lots of pictures! Sara Golden called from her boyfriends' in Pennsylvania!
In order to help Brian return to reading and practice speech, we thought reading aloud would be helpful.
His three therapies were speech, physical and occupational.
I will publish photos from this time later.
Thursday 27 December 2001
Brian and Mom walked up to the high school today, so he could walk through the Quad, and had tea at the Roasting Co. on 8th Street. Brian spent the afternoon with his dad. Marc and Kate visited in the evening.
The Quad is the area outside where the kids hang out. It's like the indoors Commons at schools like South Kitsap. The Roasting Co. is the coffee place down the street where the kids, and others, like to hang out. There is an open campus, so the students can go there for lunch. When Brian and Jesse were little, it was a little corner grocery store. It's only a block from our house, and the boys used to walk there to buy treats.
Here's a link to the high school website:
http://www.ashland.k12.or.us/sectionindex.asp?sectionid=41
A link to the Roasting Co.:
http://ashlandcoffee.com/
Brian and Mom walked to the Library today, to check out books for Brian to start reading out loud. Brian had all three therapies this afternoon, which Mom attended with him.
In the evening we had a wild little pizza party with Kate, Vanessa Dudley and Marc. Lots of pictures! Sara Golden called from her boyfriends' in Pennsylvania!
In order to help Brian return to reading and practice speech, we thought reading aloud would be helpful.
His three therapies were speech, physical and occupational.
I will publish photos from this time later.
Thursday 27 December 2001
Brian and Mom walked up to the high school today, so he could walk through the Quad, and had tea at the Roasting Co. on 8th Street. Brian spent the afternoon with his dad. Marc and Kate visited in the evening.
The Quad is the area outside where the kids hang out. It's like the indoors Commons at schools like South Kitsap. The Roasting Co. is the coffee place down the street where the kids, and others, like to hang out. There is an open campus, so the students can go there for lunch. When Brian and Jesse were little, it was a little corner grocery store. It's only a block from our house, and the boys used to walk there to buy treats.
Here's a link to the high school website:
http://www.ashland.k12.or.us/sectionindex.asp?sectionid=41
A link to the Roasting Co.:
http://ashlandcoffee.com/
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